come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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