just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
