I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
