ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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