But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I deserve this hangover.
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