Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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