I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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