note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
