i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
