Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
