I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
