my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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