so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
