xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
