I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
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