Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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