I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
