awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
