im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
