Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i will never coherently bang her
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.