We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃