The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
