I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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