you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
