everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
