Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
