is your mom at the bar?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
