They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
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after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
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I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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