well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
