Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
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Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
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The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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