Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
