Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
