genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
