WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
