...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
