if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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