I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
