It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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