FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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