take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
