ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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