dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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