you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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