I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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