why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
