Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize