I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I take back everything I said about communal showers
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I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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