At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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