We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
