I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
