omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
