If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
