I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
