I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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