We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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