It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
