coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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