im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
