Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(206): View more from Washington

Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?

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(480): View more from Arizona

I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground

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(251): View more from Alabama

the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea

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(541): View more from Oregon

theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.

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(847): View more from Illinois

This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.

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(352): View more from Florida

not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this

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