You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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