you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
