Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
