me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
