My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
