If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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