last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
