Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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